The Creating Writing Department of the UK Ministry of Defence (aka Private Office of the Secretary of State for Defence) has just published their latest piece of fiction. In response to a comment by the First Sea Lord (Head of the Royal Navy who now has no chance whatsoever of becoming Chief of the British Defence Staff) that the Navy could not fight a major war the Terry Prachett’s of the MoD wrote, “As the First Sea Lord has repeatedly said, the Navy is absolutely ready to fight…Our nuclear deterrent protects us…and Royal Navy personnel are deployed across the world. The Government is providing a generational increase in defence spending with an extra £270 billion across this Parliament, ensuring no return to the hollowed out forces of the past and the strategic defence review sets out our path to increasing warfighting readiness”.
Let me translate. “The First Sea Lord, not us, has said the Navy is absolutely ready to fight anyone in a rowing boat armed with a sharp mango not far from Britain. So, what on earth is he banging on about? Bloody Marine! Should never have been appointed 1SL. We will also increase the defence budget eventually but it will take a generation because Her Indoors at No.11 Downing Street (Chancellor of the Exchequer/Finance Minister) doesn’t know the difference between national and social security. In any case, we cannot return to the hollowed out forces of the past because they are already hollowed out and cannot get any hollower. As for the SDR whilst it does set out a path to increased warfighting readiness we on the political side of the House just haven’t decided yet when to start. Meanwhile, sod the Allies as we have a nuclear deterrent which protects us and no-one else. Or at least we think it does because those old Vanguard class boats are so knackered we are not at all sure the one we still have sort of operational will ever be seen again once it submerges. As for the Middle East we have sent both of our deployable sailors, one of whom works out a lot. So, what’s the bloody problem, Hegseth?”
Julian Lindley-French